Change is good "Shivanasamudram"

Inspired by a friend who had planned to visit someplace new with her husband every month after marriage, and also starting to feel self conscious about becoming weekend couch potatoes, we had been thinking of traveling for a while now. However short the trip. Even a weekend getaway would do.

Being the determined "list makers" that we are, an Excel sheet was created, destinations were researched, travel blogs were read, reviews were noted,  and the chosen ones were carefully listed down. Distances and travel time to and from our home were jotted down using Google maps. Yeah, all that jazz.

And then, you would think, we would have been off to all these magical weekend escapes, weekend after weekend, conquering destination after destination. Striking them off our fancy Excel list.

We had the car to drive around in. We had the weekends. What could possibly stop us? 

But we stalled. For all of 3 weeks. Why, you ask. Well, we aren't the best decision makers, are we? And, so many choices.

But most importantly, some part of us is always trying to weigh the gratification we are going to get in return for spending so much time driving around in a car. Will the destination be worth it? Will it be as fulfilling as say switching off my brain, sprawled out on my couch, watching an award winning TV series ? What if its a disappointing place? What if this is the wrong season to visit? So many questions.

After almost a month of failed attempts to getaway, we wondered if we were over thinking it :D. The inertia gets to you. Let's just stew on the couch and switch on the magic box that has so much to offer. And its right here. Why spend so much time getting somewhere you aren't even certain about? Why even bother going away?

Then one Friday evening, husband decided to decide. Made the call. "Shivanasamudram it is" he said. And we took the plunge into uncertainty. Packed all the junk food at home, to cushion any possible disappointments that might be in store. As it turned out, we didn't need the cushion after all.

Driving being a hobby, he enjoyed driving the whole way, with much lesser gear changes than required in the city, and NICE roads to make the experience enjoyable. With our Google maps guide and a pen drive full of music to sing along to, it was smooth sailing the whole way.

We reached, we saw, we loved. My love for water bodies of all sorts, especially waterfalls and rivers, came gushing back.

When we were descending down the long long flight of stairs to get to the falls, seeing a probably arthritic old woman, climbing back up, without any help, and with so much enthusiasm, I was reminded of my Nani and Mom, also blessed with similar enthusiasm levels.

We hadn't planned on dipping into the water and found ourselves without towels and a change of clothes - basic necessities for a trip to a water fall.

Abhishek, the planned and prepared one, was being all skeptical about getting into the water. But I couldn't not get into the water. All logic goes out of the window when I'm in the vicinity of a water body. Especially such a majestic one. It had been ages.

I took off my shoes, tried to hide them behind some rocks, handed my bag to husband and  headed across the river. Maybe it was all the happiness on my face, but after watching me shout with delight at the first touch, Abhishek succumbed to the Water as well.

We took the bag full of wallets and mobiles and tried to cross the river holding hands. And what next? Abhishek's spectacles fall into the river! We thought they got carried away by the flow. "I ll have to drive back slowly now" was his first thought. I just laughed and wondered where would they end up. Luck favored us and they had been hooked onto my toes all along. So Abhishek was able to drive back at desired speeds without any eyesight troubles.

Sure we hurt a few toes, slipped a couple of times. But we got to that rock at the other end. Bathed in the sun and water. Took a few dips underwater. Splashed water on each other. A ride on the round shaped 'coracle' boats, took us thrillingly near the falls, with the water being sprayed upon us like blessings to a new born.

With nothing to change into, we got back with damp clothes. But that was the only damp thing about this trip. 

"There is a kind of magicness about going far away and then coming back all changed."

Returning to the city, we were refreshed and ready to face the week ahead.

When I was younger, I used to get nauseous traveling to hilly terrains. And I remember wishing I could skip the journey and just get to the destination and get back home asap.

How wrong would that be if we skipped the journeys! How would you get to create all those experiences?

At this point, I feel the need to include some life-defining travel quotes I identify with:

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."

"What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? - it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies."

I won't make any ambitious promises to myself, but after this,  I  do vow to travel more.

Servants - Yes OR No?

Ratna:
No household help allowed in my house.
Freedom, privacy, exercise.

DB:
If we can afford it and its available then why not? We have a choice about what we want to do and not want to do. At the same time we have to be alert not to slip into laziness and complete dependency. Also, seeing another human being around keeps us sensitive and aware of the dignity of labor. I don't pity myself because I'm overworked.

Stoneheart

Things only matter when they're close to me.
There are times when I feel like I have a heart of stone. I can never feel sorry for anybody or empathize with them unless I've been in a similar situation. Take the recent Mumbai terror blasts for example. Everybody around me was feeling outraged and indignant at the terrorists and sorry for the victims.

I found it very hard to feel anything for anybody. Hell it wasn't happening to me or to somebody I knew. That is the wrong attitude. I know. But I just can't feel sad for people I didn't know existed till they died on television. Its just a certain number of people who died in blah city in blah terror blasts. For me to feel any amount of sympathy for them I would have to picture in detail, the same thing happening to myself and people I know. 

I FEEL tiny

Need to vent this one out of my system.

I went out to watch a movie with mother after a long time. Just so you have an idea of the culture, my father had been posted to a small town in North India, after years of living down South. The movie was interesting and the actors were reasonably good looking, the storyline was engaging enough. So much so that I didn't feel curious enough to check what was poking my left side. I presumed it must be a handbag belonging to the lady sitting on my left. Maybe I'm too sanguine for my own good sometimes. It never occurred to me that it could be the hand of the only man sitting in the row behind us until I saw him withdrawing it. Then ofcourse there was no room, for the movie and the good looking actors, in my mind. I was suddenly very aware of myself. And the only things I could think of were ways to hurt him. Hurt him bad. Physical abuse. Which would hopefully humiliate him in public. I wanted to do something right then.  I really did. But then this very LOSER part of me told me to prepare a little for the confrontation. What if I ran out of abusesabu throw at him? Worse, having never abused in public, what if the abuses sounded  funny and people being people, started laughing? And what if he held my hand before I slapped him? What if he was stronger? What if my voice wasn't loud enough to humiliate him? What if the others cursed me for spoiling their movie?

I still had half of the film left to plan through. 

I was sitting at the edge of my chair since he withdrew his hand. Then I felt my chair being pushed from behind. That was it. I turned around and stared! I can't believe I did that. Well, I can't believe that was ALL I did. Then he changed places and sat on the next seat, directly behind my mother's seat. I told my mom to exchange places with me. So, if he tried anything again I would show him. What is with me? Why did I have to act like such a coward?

For the rest of the film I imagined confrontational scenarios. In all of which I was the brave self-respecting person I imagine myself to be. I also imagined boasting to friends about what I did. I did really wanted to be able to tell people about the beating I gave the man. 

SO I thought and thought. I carefully picked out the verbal abuse I would throw at him. I contemplated throwing my footwear at him but passed on that one in case I lost it. I also planned out violent physical assaults involving ball kicking, face crushing and the slightly unrealistic, death by a poisoned safety pin. Atleast in my mind that hurt him. I did all the planning. And I waited till the end of the movie to do it. I told myself lets not spoil the movie for the others'. And I let the man go unnoticed.

Typical creep style, he left before the movie ended. I didn't even get a proper look at him.

A sulk loomed for the rest of the evening. I can't handle confrontations. And I let myself down. Big plans of carrying a knife with me everytime I go for movies in small towns. Though I probably won't go out for a movie here again. I hate this. I'm such a hypocrite. I keep talking about being brave all the time and when it mattered I chickened out. 

And I wished a boyfriend was there to back me up. Me. The self-proclaimed feminist. Its all just big talk now. I disgust myself.

I'm sure any other self-respecting woman would've immediately turned around and slapped the face out of that man, telling him to keep his hands to himself.

I feel tiny tiny tiny   :(

P.S. Must consolidate a list of all the abuses for next time

My list

Just for the record I love this medium. Completes the communication circle doesn't it? I can get feedback on my writing almost instantly! But I miss writing on paper. Mom used to pester me a lot to do that. Helps in organizing your thoughts apparently. And it does.

Now there isn't anything interesting happening in my life currently and therefore I don't have any superficial topics to write about. I'm giving all these MBA entrance exams starting from CAT to MAT... MAT being the easiest supposedly. Ever since my first year dad and almost everyone who met me kept asking me what were my career goal(s). And I told them things they wanted to hear ('I want to startup my own photography studio' or ' I want to be a cinematographer' or I'm pursuing my scriptwriting talents') so that I would appear to be a very focussed person who knows what she's doing. But obviously I didn't have a clue about what to do. Postponed the decision to the end of third year then. And ofcourse I was still undecided by the end of third year. And that remains the status quo. Though I've spent 5 months preparing for these exams I'm giving and a decent amount of preparation that too. But now that I've given two of these exams I am quite doubtful about my chances. I keep wondering if this was the right choice for me. I also don't think I'm doing this for myself. I'm probably just trying to prove to people who dont think that I have it, that I do have it! But also it would probably be evident after the results that maybe I don't have IT.. maybe I have something else. arghhhh. WHY couldn't I be one of those who know what they want to do in life from their day 1 on earth. Why is it so hard for me to figure out what to do in life? Why can't I have a very obvious talent? 

Deep down I think I know what I really want to do. I want to teach kindergarten :-). THAT is my dream job. Sadly there is this other part of me which wants to listen to all the practical advice given by parents and relatives and get a hi-fi job as a manager somewhere and show off the fat paycheks. 

But the other part doesn't want to show off. It wants me to be satisfied in life. And that part of me doesn't care about what other people think. It also doesn't want to accumulate hoards of money. It knows that if I respect and love what I do then the people who love me will full fledgedly support me. I sincerely believe that is my way to a healthy and successful life. But then there is the training I need to be highly qualified for my dream job. I don't want to use up dad's resources for that. And in this country I don't think people give a squat about kindergarten teachers. Any housewife is qualified. I think kindergarten teachers ought to as thouroughly trained as the CIA agents. Prepared for any situation that they might be faced with on field. I feel very strongly about it.

Hey I almost forgot this third part of me. This one wants to be a copywriter in an ad agency. I find that to be a very challenging job. Working as a team with the creatives and actually creating an ad of your own. Though you very rarely get to create your own advertisements but its intoxicatingly satisying when you do. 

Okay turns out I have a list of things I want to do which I'm going to write down just to reduce the clutter in my mind. But teaching kindergarten is the top priority.

Further down on my list is acting. That is there purely because I can't stand straight on stage. Actually I can't do anything right on stage. I used to be able to. But now its like a dementor sucked the ability out of me. And people, especially other actors, keep saying that anybody can act. I'm just curious that maybe deep deep deep down I'm a good actor who can be suave and confident on stage. I wish somebody would teach me acting. Though I've never actually verbally expressed that wish to anybody. Just hoping god would hear me out and send an angel to guide me.

You can also find RJaying on my list. That's again purely because it fascinates me and I can't talk to save my life. On a very talkative day you won't get more than a 40-50 sentences out of me. I just can't believe people can talk and talk so much. And I hate people who can't accept the fact that I don't talk too much. I keep hoping someone would teach me that too. Dancing too falls into this category (the ones that I want to do because I'm no good at them).

Wow I'm confused. 

 

P.S. I did warn about the self exploratory part. I bet you weren't expecting this degree of exploration. 

*to be continued...